How do I make this divorce easier on my wife and the kids?

Married for 8 years, my wife 32 is13 years my junior. We are fairly well off mostly because of the time I devote to work. We have 3 kids, 1, 4, and 7 and a daughter from her previous relationship 10. Early in the marriage she complained about the amount of time I spent with her but seemed to understand that work (money) was important. After our last child she seemed to give in to my need to work but seemed distant. She continued her cries for attention however less frequent. She did very little work at home, having employees to handle most things including childcare. Finally, in July after a few heated arguments about the amount of time I was spending with her, she asked for a divorce. I pleaded but she was steadfast, so I agreed. Soon after I discover she had a boyfriend that I’m sure was in place before her declaration. She treated him as a replacement husband and father; being seen around town with my children, even picking them up at the bus stop. I did not object to the relationship just the exposure to the children. Eventually, I did not protest and a few weeks later she said she broke off the relationship. Then she start making overtures of reconciliation to me; no actions just words. I told her I would consider it with counseling as a condition. I realize I would not be able to live with the affair even though I was committed to keeping the family whole. I was conflicted and frustrated by her contact with the boy friend. I told the children that I would not be able to reconcile because of the affair. She became enrage and confronted me; eventually call 911 and falsely having me arrested for battery. No she is using the arrest as leverage in the divorce.